Saturday, July 07, 2007

More OddBob Than is Allowed by LAW

Editor's Note: SO much to do, and SO little time. But OddBob keeps sending these lists......and sending and sending and SENDING....and I CAN'T.....STOP.....POSTING....THEM. (That last bit was performed by William Shatner?)

The Top 13 Lessons Learned From Comic Books

Never trust a girl who offers to be your holder for field goals.

While there is no cure for the common cold, one can overcome death via cosmic rays, magical incantations, or convenient plot developments.

Avoiding the unwashed on public transportation is easy: Just look for the stink lines.

Girls seldom make passes at secret identities who wear glasses.

The cost of super-battle clean-up inevitably falls to the taxpayers.

If your manager uses flowery adjectives, stage-whispered asides, and/or confers with a weirdly misshapen assistant while explaining your new project, odds are you work for a supervillain.

"I can communicate telepathically with sea creatures!" is a totally lame pick-up line.

A supervillian just out of jail can, in a few days, assemble an operation which puts NASA's entire space program to shame.

Erasing Betty's and Veronica's sweaters does *not* expose their breasts.

Never build a nuclear power plant anywhere near a genetics lab.

You can find out what your friends are thinking by reading the bubbles over their heads.

With great power come really impractical outfits.

and the Number 1 Lesson Learned From Comic Books...

No one wants a subscription to Grit.
Editor's Note: In honor of the next two weeks....big Harry Potter doins, dweeb pals (sure wish I had more time to dweebpost in fealty to it...sigh....)

The Top 12 Things Harry Potter Would Do With a Law Degree

"Arrested for drunk broomstick riding? Stay out of Azkaban, Call the Law offices of Harry Potter."

Sue J. K. Rowling to get her to write more Harry Potter books. He doesn't want to stay this age forever.

"Dobby, you have a great case against the Malfoys for kidnapping. House elf or not, they owe you millions in damages for wrongful imprisonment."

Get Paris Hilton sent to Azkaban.

"Ambulancius Chasius!"

Get hired by the Justice Department and start selectively firing Slytherin grads.

Open a hugely successful celebrity criminal defense practice after perfecting his glove-shrinking spell.

Initiate a massive class action law suit on behalf of all Hogwarts students whose lives have been put in mortal peril at school.

"Of course Lord Voldemort wasn't mentioned by name in the summons, Your Honor. He *is* He Who Must Not Be Named, after all."

Double-bill for all the time re-lived during "The Prisoner of Azkaban."

Forget Lord Voldemort. He's up against a power far more evil: Howard K. Stern.

and the Number 1 Thing Harry Potter Would Do With a Law Degree...

Law degree, black robes, and a sense of near infinite power? Straight to the Supreme Court, bay-bee!

The Top 10 Grievances of the Sci-Fi Characters Union

10> Silver spandex jumpsuits make our asses look like huge sparkly disco balls.

9> Much as we like to save Earth, the Universe and Everything on a regular basis, we'd like to get paid commensurate with our skill set. In other words, enough with the chump change! Show us some GRATITUDE! Monetarily, of course...

8> Those Borg scabs get all the best perks thanks to their unique approach to collective bargaining.

7> Half of the union has filed sexual harassment complaints against Lazarus Long, including his own past and future selves.

6> While we understand that spandex shows off our attributes -- for those of us that have them -- we find it really rides up in the crotch. So, NO MORE SPANDEX!!!

5> Dental benefits for "Aliens" exclude any sets of teeth that extend more than 6 inches in front of the face.

4> The gagh in the commissary is never served alive.

3> First transported down, first transported back up.

2> Medical insurance does not cover having one's DNA rewritten, despite the regularity of the event.

and the Number 1 Grievance of the Sci-Fi Characters Union ...

1> The Universal Brotherhood of BEMs demand human movies/TV stop falsely portraying aliens as hot human babes in tight clothing. We're bug-eyed. We're monsters. And we're damned proud of it!
The Top 12 Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb

"Starring Rosie O'Donnell as Spider-Woman!"
Even the Sci-Fi Channel refuses to air it.

Isaac Asimov personally returns from the dead just to bitchslap the director.

Maybe the world was ready for a new Star Trek flick, but "Weekend at Scotty's" ain't it.

The title, "Shovel Over Your Cash, You Easily Manipulable Geekboy Fans," might be a little too on the nose.

When the aliens land their spaceship and extend the olive branch of peace, the people of Earth accept it and the credits roll.

Let's just say the green stuff coming out of your Vulcan's pants ain't blood.

Thirty minutes into the film, even the bootleggers have left.

Does *anyone* really want to look at a bare-chested 87-year-old Ricardo Montalban?
Editor's Note: Have you SEEN him? Even in a wheelchair, he's still pretty darn buff! (ok....yeah....I should probably date more....)

Fanboys are so picky about the whole "laws of physics" stuff.

The premiere is attended by Joel Hodgson and three robot puppets.

and the Number 1 Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb...

Your PR team is looking sharp in their new red Starfleet uniforms.
The Top 9 Reasons Why Aliens Should NOT Land in Your City
9> Nome, AK - If you thought Pluto was cold...
8> Washington DC - Hard to do any anal probes since people's heads are in the way.
Editor's Note: LOL!!!
7> El Paso, TX - Aliens immediately granted work-release status, shipped to Florida to work in orange groves.
6> Hollywood, CA - People everywhere but no souls to be sucked dry.
Editor's Note: ooooo..the truth HURTS!
5> Tokyo – nothing smaller than Godzilla would be noticed.
4> Las Vegas, NV - Tentacles get stuck in slot machines reaching for extra coins.
3> Omaha, NE – Really? You need a reason not to land in Omaha? So you've gone through millions of years of evolution, developed the technology capable of traveling between galaxies, and you're looking for a reason not to land in Omaha? Fine, go ahead and land in Omaha. I'm sure we can put you to work at an IT support desk somewhere.
2> Durham, NC -- Because Mike Nifong would find some reason to put them in jail and prosecute them..
and the Number 1 Reason Why Aliens Should NOT Land in Your City ...
1> Rio de Janeiro - Wookiees would painfully find out what a "Brazilian" really entails.
Editor's Note: What an ODD and DISTURBING image to carry with us into Harry Potter Season. (THANKs, OB. Odd and Disturbing is what we COUNT on you for!)


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