Sneaking in a NON-Oscar post....Odd-Bob's Corner
Staff Top 10 Top Ten Most Welcome Movie Deaths
By: Chris Flynn
Sometimes it comes down to characterization that is so misjudged we cannot wait for them to cash in their chips.
On other occasions it is the actor in question to blame, perhaps their skills as a thespian (or lack thereof) grating on the nerves, their blatant inability to play anything other than a thinly-veiled version of their off-screen persona exasperating us to the point of meltdown.
EDITOR'S NOTE: AND SOMETIMES, WE JUST REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, AND THEIR DEATHS ARE TAKING WAY TOO LONG IN COMING ("THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING"...WHICH I CALL "THE UNBEARABLE NEED FOR A POTTY BREAK")
In any event, the following top ten highlights the most worthy, most deserving, most welcome deaths in the movies.
10. Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias.
Too populist to die nowadays, Roberts’s early career exit is a moment to savour, only lessened by the fact histrionic mother Sally Field does not join her.
09. Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in The Abyss.
In a movie full of annoying characters, we are briefly rewarded when Mastrantonio drowns in front of her ex-husband. Unfortunately the fool magically brings her back, whilst twitchy villain Michael Biehn is disappointingly blown up. EDITOR'S NOTE: YEAH, SEE I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THE TEMP DEATH THING. I JUST KNEW IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END. (UNLESS, YOU WERE HOPING FOR AN INTELLIGIBLE PLOT, OR CHARACTERS YOU CARED ABOUT).
08. Paris Hilton in House of Wax. EDITOR'S NOTE: PARIS HILTON. IN ANYTHING.
They knew we all wanted her dead. They even printed T-shirts. Does she realize how much the world despises her?
07. Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment. EDITOR'S NOTE: OH YEAH. THAT COULDN'T COME NEARLY SOON ENOUGH.
You know a movie is in trouble when we are wishing for a cancer patient’s death sooner rather than later.
06. Steven Seagal in Executive Decision. EDITOR'S NOTE: MUCH AS I WANT HIM TO DIE IN ALMOST ANY MOVIE, IT'S NOT WORTH SEEING THE MOVIE, JUST TO GET SUCH SLIM GRATIFICATION.
Like a fantasy come true, the warrior monk plummets to his death. Even then, he couldn’t muster a different expression. Also appears on Top Ten Unexpected Movie Deaths.
05. Shelly Winters in The Poseidon Adventure. EDITOR'S NOTE: GIGGLE. THAT'S ALL. GIGGLE.
In a film that manages to make ever-dependable Gene Hackman irritating, none of the survivors deserve to live, but Winters stakes her claim as most exasperating character in a disaster movie EVER. Let’s hope they’ve learned from this in the remake (although Josh Hartnett is easily the worst male lead around today and Wolfgang Petersen the worst big budget director, so we’re already in stormy waters). EDITOR'S NOTE: JOSH HARTNETT IS IN THE NEW ONE? DRAT. HE'S LIKE THE NEW KEANU, ISN'T HE?
04. Macaulay Culkin in My Girl.
In a shrewd move, director Zieff cashes in on the Home Alone star’s unpopularity; adults rejoice as the despicable moppet gets stung to death by bees. Hooray!
03. Keanu Reeves in Matrix Revolutions. EDITOR'S NOTE: OOOO...IF I'D KNOWN THEY KILL KEANU...... BUT NO, SEE STEVEN SEAGAL NOTE, ABOVE. STILL NOT WORTH SLOGGING THRU THE THIRD MATRIX MUCK.
No, he’s not Jesus, he’s just a very annoying kung fu version of Ted Theodore Logan. This comes only after six hours of Matrix-related nonsense, i.e. not nearly soon enough.
02. Leonardo diCaprio in Titanic.
Despite acting like a plank of wood, he still can’t float. EDITOR'S NOTE: SNICKER. BUT MUCH MUCH PRETTIER THAN MOST WOOD, YES? Only misses the number one spot because Celine Dion doesn’t go down with the ship too. EDITOR'S NOTE: LOL! (COLD...AND WET.....BUT STILL LAUGHING).
01. Bruce Willis in Armageddon.
All those people are not breathing a sigh of relief that Earth has been saved, you know. It’s because crustacean Willis finally cops it. Now if only he hadn’t taken the place of Affleck…EDITOR'S NOTE: I WAS KINDA ROOTING FOR THE ASTEROID. (AND YES, HIS DEATH WAS LONG OVER-DUE, BUT THEN WE GOT THAT MUSHY MONTAGE AT THE END. FOR THE TWO UNDER-MEDICATED OUT-PATIENTS WHO WERE ACTUALLY SAD ABOUT THE CHARACTER'S DEMISE, I GUESS).