Tuesday, January 18, 2005



AD&D, or Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, is an extremely popular role-playing game produced by TSR. It can be extremely complex, and be played for hours or days on end by true enthusiasts.

The Top 10 Signs You're Playing Too Much AD&D
10> You haven't gone to the bathroom for two days because you can't roll enough initiative.

9> You like to sleep with your Balroggedy Ann doll.EDITOR'S NOTE: WELL DOESN'T EVERYONE?!

8> The fame and fortune you've earned with your advanced gaming skills are attracting too many lust-crazed supermodels.

7> Your response to an Orc attack is the same as losing an important client: "Krogan mighty! Krogan smash puny foes!"

6> Your kitchen table collapses from the accumulated weight of the lead figurines comprising the Battle of Duggs Kich'ynn.

5> You can't understand how the school bully beat you up right after you scored a direct hit with a lightning spell.

4> Your version of the events: "My famous wall-climbing ability was thwarted by the orc's use of a powerful mage spell from Gandalf himself." The police version: "We plucked this weirdo, screaming like a little girl, off the top of a six-foot ladder!"

3> For the last time, your boss is not the "Dungeon Master" and you are not one of his "minions."EDITOR'S NOTE: WHO SAYS?!

2> Your conversation with the hottie at the bar ends when you start explaining how you killed all the other competitors with your impossible dungeon.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Playing Too Much AD&D...

For most TV shows, the producers provide guidebooks for those who write the episodes. These are not public documents under normal circumstances, but are used internally to keep story and plots consistent through the run of the series. Here are a few of our suggestions for writers of science fiction shows:

The Top 9 Little-known Script Guidelines for TV Science Fiction Writers
9> Star Trek: Voyager: Written in crayon on a coloring book page, glued to the front of the writer's bible with paste: "My nam is Tommy. I lik dinosors and robot. Wen I gro up I wanto be The Rock. Star track is good like cokkies. My mommy is 7 and 9. Do what I say!"

8> The "laws" of physics are actually just rough guidelines -- ignore them at your convenience.

7> There's no secret decoder in the One Ring.

6> Regardless of race, alien delegations must have females attractive to male humans.EDITOR'S NOTE: SSSSHHH....DON'T TELL. IT'S A KEY WAY NASA RECRUITS.

5> Battlestar Galactica (1978): Please remember, we only have three Viper vs. Cylon clips available, so please construct all dogfights using the following elements: Viper peels out of formation. Cylon fires and misses. Viper fires and hits.

4> All fantasy stories must contain at least one of the following: invisibility cloak, flying spell, bumbling wizard or buxom warrior babe.

3> Every original production from the Sci-Fi Channel: "We believe that the fundamental element of good original science fiction is simple: giant versions of normal animals, rendered poorly on computers we find at yard sales, chasing bad actors we also find at yard sales."EDITOR'S NOTE: FUNNY....AND AT THE SAME TIME, SADLY TRUE.

2> Babylon 5: "We'll keep these notes short and informal, since there's no way in hell we can possibly stretch this lame-ass premise for more than one season."EDITOR'S NOTE: GRRRR....(TRACY SCROGGINS IS NOT ANYONE'S FAULT, REALLY, IS SHE?)

and the Number 1 Little-known Script Guideline for TV Science Fiction Writers...
1> Our demographic target group is aging and their eyesight is fading. Thus enhanced images are required. So make her boobs bigger.


Post a Comment

<< Home